BREAKING
Funeral Evite Instantly Regretted
INSIDE
Confident Obama Opens With State of Gabrielle Union
FEATURED
Area Drunk Terrified of Wine Flu
Nintendo Stimulates Gamers With Highly Anticipated Wii Clit
TOKYO – At a press conference Monday, Nintendo unveiled the highly anticipated Wii Clit, a revolutionary new accessory for the market-leading console that demonstrates how to make a woman orgasm. A specially designed remote employs motion sensor technology to capture each poke, caress, and thrust made with its vagina-contoured control pad. “Our main premise in designing...
Read More »Malia & Sasha Obama To Spend Remainder of Semester Living With Mr. Drummond
WASHINGTON — With an extensive travel schedule this month for United We Serve, the president’s volunteer initiative, First Lady...
Read More »Popular Cash-For-Clunkers Program Extended to Nation’s Wives, Girlfriends
WASHINGTON — In an effort to provide relief to millions of men stuck in loveless, lackluster relationships, the Senate...
Read More »Provocative Toddler Could Be Local Preschool’s Answer to Lady Gaga
GRAND RAPIDS, MI — On the playground after a busy morning of learning about shapes and napping, local preschoolers...
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War-Torn Cybill Shepherd Declared Federal Disaster Area
Everything You Own In A Box To The Left
Despite Mom’s Meteoric Rise, Trig Palin Still Retarded
Miley Cyrus Flashes Vicious, Man-Eating Shark Teeth At TMZ Reporter
Soda Jerk Actually Pretty Nice Guy
Area Teens Play With Different Kind of Magic Eight Ball
Entertainment Book Fails to Translate to Big Screen
National
Obama Administration Challenges Coast Guard’s Use of Motorboating As Interrogation Technique
WASHINGTON – According to White House sources, the Obama Administration has opened an investigation to question whether the Coast Guard’s recent use of motorboating as a method of interrogation should be classified as...
Read More »Politics
REPORT: Biden Catches Train Home to Delaware Every Time He Has to Take A Dump
WILMINGTON, DE – Less than six months into living in the nation’s capital, Vice President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that he has been taking the train all the way from Washington to DC...
Read More »Local
Area Fetus Given Pink Slip Amidst Nation’s Economic Woes
WEST COVINA, CA – According to sources, a fifteen-week old fetus was laid off earlier today today, yet another victim of the ongoing economic downturn. The fetus was notified by its manager, local teen...
Read More »Sports
A-Rod: The Only Performance-Enhancing Drug I’ve Ever Taken Is ExtenZe™
TAMPA, FL – NY Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez presented new details yesterday about testing positive for drugs in 2003, saying his cousin injected him repeatedly with the over-the-counter, all-natural male enhancement product...
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