Area Fetus Given Pink Slip Amidst Nation’s Economic Woes »
WEST COVINA, CA – According to sources, a fifteen-week old fetus was laid off earlier today today, yet another victim of the ongoing economic downturn.
The fetus was notified by its manager, local teen Lauren Correo, that it would need to pack its things and vacate the uterus by 5:00 PM.
The 17 year-old high school junior [...]
Miley Cyrus Flashes Vicious, Man-Eating Shark Teeth At TMZ Reporter »
REPORT: Biden Catches Train Home to Delaware Every Time He Has to Take A Dump »
WILMINGTON, DE – Less than six months into living in the nation’s capital, Vice President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that he has been taking the train all the way from Washington to DC to Wilmington every time he has to make a bowel movement.
“I don’t know, maybe it’s because my heart and values are so [...]
Malia & Sasha Obama To Spend Remainder of Semester Living With Mr. Drummond »
WASHINGTON — With an extensive travel schedule this month for United We Serve, the president’s volunteer initiative, First Lady Michelle Obama announced Monday that her daughters would spend the remainder of the spring semester with multi-millionaire widower Phillip Drummond in New York City.
An aide to Mrs. Obama confirmed that Malia, 10, and Sasha, 7, moved [...]
Despite Lackluster Fielding Abilities, Malia Obama Routinely Picked First for Kickball »
New Bin Laden Tape Counts Down Top 40 Pop Songs in U.S. »
DOHA, QATAR — A new audio tape released yesterday from Osama bin Laden counts down the 40 most popular songs in the U.S.
The al Qaeda leader’s message, which simultaneously aired last night on Arabic news network al Jazeera and 102.7 KISS-FM, LA’s #1 hit music station, saw the Black Eyed Peas’ “Boom Boom Pow” take the [...]
David Plouffe: As You May Already Know, Michelle Obama Has A Yeast Infection »
From: David Plouffe, BarackObama.com
Subject: As You May Already Know….
To: Josh Kossack
American Idol Congress Mulls Adoption of Electoral College »
HOLLYWOOD — Just days after Kris Allen upset Adam Lambert in the finale, a bill was introduced into the American Idol Congress to abolish the popular vote system in favor of the Electoral College.
“Considering that more than one-third of all votes cast were received from [Allen's home state of] Arkansas alone, it’s clear that overzealous, [...]
Regretful Deal or No Deal Contestant Gets Choked Up Just Looking At Briefcase »
Google Earth Wouldn’t Finish That Sandwich If It Were You »
33° 26′ N, 112° 1′ W — This is Google Earth, the virtual globe, map and geograpic information program. I map the Earth by the superimposition of images obtained from satellite imagery, aerial photography and GIS 3D globe.
Put the sandwich down.
Mel Gibson, Wife File for Divorce, Citing Irreconcilable Views on How Best to Wipe the Jews off the Face of the Planet »
LOS ANGELES — After 28 years of marriage, Mel Gibson and his wife Robyn filed for divorce last week, citing irreconcilable views on how best to rid the Earth of its remaining 13.1 million individuals of Jewish descent.
According to the petition, joint custody was requested of the couple’s swastikas, ten year-old son Tom, and other [...]
Joe Biden Launches Line Of Homemade Salad Dressings To Fund Rival Stimulus Plan »
WASHINGTON –Vice President Joe Biden announced today that he will bottle and sell a homemade, all-natural salad dressing to raise money for a hefty stimulus plan of his own to rival the $787 billion package signed into law by President Obama last month.
“Biden’s Own” will donate all profits and royalties after taxes to an ambitious [...]
Deal Keeps Friday Night Lights Alive in Area Man’s Living Room »
LAKEWOOD, CO — Critically acclaimed football-centric drama Friday Night Lights may have been given a pink slip by NBC and DirecTV, but the show will live on for two seasons of 13 episodes each in local carpenter Aaron Behr’s Lakewood, Colorado home, media sources reported Thursday.
Behr, a loyal and vocal longtime fan of the series, lobbied [...]
Capitol Hill to The Hills: Supreme Court Rules Lauren Must Attend Speidi’s Wedding »
WASHINGTON – In a landmark decision Thursday, the U.S. Supreme Court issued an emergency ruling that ordered Lauren Conrad, star of the MTV series The Hills, must attend co-star Heidi Montag’s Pasadena wedding.
In the 7-2 vote, the nation’s highest court refused to let Conrad skip the Pratt-Montag nuptials, arguing that America deserves to see either [...]
Kashi Introduces New Breakfast Cereal Made of Twigs & Branches »
LA JOLLA, CA – Kashi, the nation’s leading manufacturer of whole grain breakfast products, held a press conference Monday to unveil its newest cereal, Kashi ® Forest Debris, which the company touted as having “that all natural, mouth-watering taste of crispitty, crunchetty leaves, twigs and branches.”
“We have combed forests all over the world to find only [...]
League of Women Voters Faces Harsh Dilemma: Get Fuckable Or Risk Dying Out »
WASHINGTON — The League of Women Voters, a champion of social reforms and voting rights since 1920, announced Monday that it has experienced such a sharp drop in membership recently that it’s certain to become extinct in the next decade.
While a portion of the decline can be attributed to the ever-shrinking equality gap, the losses [...]
Child Left Alone In Car Found Fluent In Spanish »
PORTLAND — A four year-old boy was found fluent in Spanish Monday evening after being left in the back of a car for seven hours, according to sources. Police estimate that the boy had mastered adjective agreements, noun genders, and conjugation of the verbs trabajar, hablar, and aprender by the end of his second hour [...]
Hocus Focus Molester Can Find At Least Six Differences Between Timmy’s Privates »
Obama Taps Wayans Brothers to Head ‘Don’t Be a Menace’ Task Force »
WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama today announced a new White House task force on the problems of being a menace to South Central while drinking one’s juice in the hood, installing Shawn and Marlon Wayans as its co-chairmen.
“With this task force, the president gives hope to kids who grew up in the projects like us,” [...]
Cash-Strapped HMO To Infect Otherwise Healthy Patients With Cholera, Tuberculosis »
OAKLAND, CA – Financially-plagued health care provider Kaiser Permanente announced an ambitious plan this week to infect otherwise healthy patients with vaccine-resistance strains of cholera and tuberculosis, diseases that have all but vanished from the landscape in the last century.
After reporting a net loss of $794 million in 2008 – a multi-billion dollar swing from [...]
Bed Bath & Beyond Coupon Stimulus Package Approved By Congress »
WASHINGTON—In a bid to jumpstart the ailing economy and boost sales at the nation’s top domestics and home furnishings superstore, Congress voted Monday to send Bed Bath & Beyond coupons to over 130 million American families this month.
The 20-percent off vouchers, which may be used at more than 880 Bed Bath & Beyond stores nationwide, can [...]
DVD Review: Muppet Scabies Spreads Infectious Disease, Laughter »
It’s no surprise that Disney’s Muppet Scabies is being released straight-to-DVD. The animated feature, while thoroughly entertaining, never quite captures the magic of the original series. The film cannot decide if its primary purpose is to prevent teens from contracting STDs or if it’s simply a contemporary, oversexed version of the 1984-91 CBS Saturday morning [...]
Accountant Suffers Devastating Case of H&R Block »
KANSAS CITY, MO — Russ Smyth, CEO of the nation’s leading tax preparation firm, reported Monday that he has been diagnosed with a case of H&R Block, a rare type of amnesia involving the temporary loss of any and all accounting skills. The phenomenon has not just rendered him completely useless at his job; it has also permeated his [...]
Area Woman Blows Mild Sexual Harassment Out of Proportion to Liven Up Diary »
FRANKLIN, MI —Local Allstate Insurance receptionist Andrea Fleener, 31, told reporters today that a recent diary entry “greatly exaggerated” a lingering glance from one of her co-workers earlier this week. The single, never-married receptionist admitted that a lack of dramatic events in her life coupled with a recent viewing of the 1994 film Disclosure on TNT led to [...]
Suggestive Embryo Can Tie A Stem Cell Into A Knot Using Only Its Tongue »
Stouffer’s Introduces the Chicken Pot Pool »
CLEVELAND, OH — Stouffer’s has come up with an innovative way for families to relax and unwind together while enjoying a home cooked meal.
“As Americans are struggling to put food on the table and spend quality time with their children, Stouffer’s is proud to present the Chicken Pot Pool,” said E. Michael Moone, President and [...]
American Idol, Color Bars Steer Fox to Easy Ratings Victory »
A technical glitch immediately following Wednesday’s American Idol, resulting in nearly 45 minutes of continuous color bars, propelled Fox to its highest post-Idol ratings in three seasons, reports the A.C. Nielsen Co.
The color bars, which retained 92% of the juggernaut’s lead-in, were accompanied by a high-pitched, shrill noise from approximately 9:03-9:46 PM. The final 14 [...]
Bernie Madoff Formulating Action-Packed, Season-Long Plot To Escape Prison »
FCC Pulls Plug on Nick at Nite after According to Jim Acquisition »
NEW YORK—In a blow to sitcom repeats spanning several generations, the Federal Communications Commission revoked Nick at Nite’s programming license on Friday after the network purchased the rights to ABC sitcom According to Jim.
“Nickelodeon clearly has no barometer when it comes to classic television, or common decency for that matter,” remarked FCC Chairman Kevin J. [...]
White House Kitchen’s Sides, Condiments Served in ‘Rahmekins’ »
Hocus Focus Creator Finds Six Hypothetical Differences in Whatever’s Right in Front of Him »
LAKE WORTH, FL— Hocus Focus creator Henry Boltinoff reported Monday that he has spent much of his adulthood finding between at least six variations in every day life situations.
“Take this morning, for instance,” said Boltinoff in an interview. “I take a walk down my street, see a pretty lady, and then I look away. When [...]
