Area Fetus Given Pink Slip Amidst Nation’s Economic Woes »
WEST COVINA, CA – According to sources, a fifteen-week old fetus was laid off earlier today today, yet another victim of the ongoing economic downturn.
The fetus was notified by its manager, local teen Lauren Correo, that it would need to pack its things and vacate the uterus by 5:00 PM.
The 17 year-old high school junior [...]
Either Plunging, Pink V-Necks All the Rage for Guys or Area Man Still in Women’s Section of H&M »
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Nearly ten minutes after entering the Union Square H&M store, local resident Steve Haikara expressed bafflement as to whether he had successfully located the men’s section of the clothing retailer. “I thought I’d found it in this corner upstairs, but then the jeans I picked up had glitter on the back [...]
Provocative Toddler Could Be Local Preschool’s Answer to Lady Gaga »
GRAND RAPIDS, MI — On the playground after a busy morning of learning about shapes and napping, local preschoolers angled to catch a glimpse of classmate Ashley Sherrill. The four year-old, donning fingerless leather gloves, purple eyeliner, and a metal-studded denim jacket, chatted excitedly about her afternoon snack, Pringles, and her bold decision to boycott [...]
Sotomayor Confirmation Inspires Burger King Worker To Assemble Sandwich More Efficiently »
LAREDO, TX — Burger King worker Monica Gutierrez reported feeling particularly inspired while assembling a Whopper Junior sandwich Friday after the confirmation of Sonia Sotomayor as the U.S. Supreme Court’s first Hispanic justice. “Usually I just mindlessly grab a fistful of lettuce, a tomato sliver and some onions without even looking at the ticket,” said [...]
Child Left Alone In Car Found Fluent In Spanish »
PORTLAND — A four year-old boy was found fluent in Spanish Monday evening after being left in the back of a car for seven hours, according to sources. Police estimate that the boy had mastered adjective agreements, noun genders, and conjugation of the verbs trabajar, hablar, and aprender by the end of his second hour [...]
Area Woman Blows Mild Sexual Harassment Out of Proportion to Liven Up Diary »
FRANKLIN, MI —Local Allstate Insurance receptionist Andrea Fleener, 31, told reporters today that a recent diary entry “greatly exaggerated” a lingering glance from one of her co-workers earlier this week. The single, never-married receptionist admitted that a lack of dramatic events in her life coupled with a recent viewing of the 1994 film Disclosure on TNT led to [...]
