Malia & Sasha Obama To Spend Remainder of Semester Living With Mr. Drummond »
WASHINGTON — With an extensive travel schedule this month for United We Serve, the president’s volunteer initiative, First Lady Michelle Obama announced Monday that her daughters would spend the remainder of the spring semester with multi-millionaire widower Phillip Drummond in New York City.
An aide to Mrs. Obama confirmed that Malia, 10, and Sasha, 7, moved [...]
Ed McMahon Keeps Busy Roasting in Hell »
HELL — Despite delighting millions as Johnny Carson’s sidekick on The Tonight Show for over 30 years, beloved TV personality Ed McMahon is roasting in hell, the nether realm presided over by Satan in which the damned suffer everlasting punishment.
Sources indicate that McMahon is suffering the consequences of some particularly cruel pranks on TV Bloopers & Practical Jokes, foisting [...]
New Bin Laden Tape Counts Down Top 40 Pop Songs in U.S. »
DOHA, QATAR — A new audio tape released yesterday from Osama bin Laden counts down the 40 most popular songs in the U.S.
The al Qaeda leader’s message, which simultaneously aired last night on Arabic news network al Jazeera and 102.7 KISS-FM, LA’s #1 hit music station, saw the Black Eyed Peas’ “Boom Boom Pow” take the [...]
American Idol Congress Mulls Adoption of Electoral College »
HOLLYWOOD — Just days after Kris Allen upset Adam Lambert in the finale, a bill was introduced into the American Idol Congress to abolish the popular vote system in favor of the Electoral College.
“Considering that more than one-third of all votes cast were received from [Allen's home state of] Arkansas alone, it’s clear that overzealous, [...]
Mel Gibson, Wife File for Divorce, Citing Irreconcilable Views on How Best to Wipe the Jews off the Face of the Planet »
LOS ANGELES — After 28 years of marriage, Mel Gibson and his wife Robyn filed for divorce last week, citing irreconcilable views on how best to rid the Earth of its remaining 13.1 million individuals of Jewish descent.
According to the petition, joint custody was requested of the couple’s swastikas, ten year-old son Tom, and other [...]
Capitol Hill to The Hills: Supreme Court Rules Lauren Must Attend Speidi’s Wedding »
WASHINGTON – In a landmark decision Thursday, the U.S. Supreme Court issued an emergency ruling that ordered Lauren Conrad, star of the MTV series The Hills, must attend co-star Heidi Montag’s Pasadena wedding.
In the 7-2 vote, the nation’s highest court refused to let Conrad skip the Pratt-Montag nuptials, arguing that America deserves to see either [...]
DVD Review: Muppet Scabies Spreads Infectious Disease, Laughter »
It’s no surprise that Disney’s Muppet Scabies is being released straight-to-DVD. The animated feature, while thoroughly entertaining, never quite captures the magic of the original series. The film cannot decide if its primary purpose is to prevent teens from contracting STDs or if it’s simply a contemporary, oversexed version of the 1984-91 CBS Saturday morning [...]
American Idol, Color Bars Steer Fox to Easy Ratings Victory »
A technical glitch immediately following Wednesday’s American Idol, resulting in nearly 45 minutes of continuous color bars, propelled Fox to its highest post-Idol ratings in three seasons, reports the A.C. Nielsen Co.
The color bars, which retained 92% of the juggernaut’s lead-in, were accompanied by a high-pitched, shrill noise from approximately 9:03-9:46 PM. The final 14 [...]
FCC Pulls Plug on Nick at Nite after According to Jim Acquisition »
NEW YORK—In a blow to sitcom repeats spanning several generations, the Federal Communications Commission revoked Nick at Nite’s programming license on Friday after the network purchased the rights to ABC sitcom According to Jim.
“Nickelodeon clearly has no barometer when it comes to classic television, or common decency for that matter,” remarked FCC Chairman Kevin J. [...]
Hocus Focus Creator Finds Six Hypothetical Differences in Whatever’s Right in Front of Him »
LAKE WORTH, FL— Hocus Focus creator Henry Boltinoff reported Monday that he has spent much of his adulthood finding between at least six variations in every day life situations.
“Take this morning, for instance,” said Boltinoff in an interview. “I take a walk down my street, see a pretty lady, and then I look away. When [...]
Ask the Felicity DVD Liner Notes »
Dear Felicity DVD Liner Notes,
I recently discovered that my husband of three months likes to pleasure himself while he thinks I’m asleep. While I believed we had a healthy sex life in having intercourse twice a week, I fear I’m not satisfying him. I have been too embarrassed to say anything when he [...]
U.S. Government Bails Out CW Network in Last-Ditch Effort to Salvage Something »
WASHINGTON— Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced Wednesday a sweeping plan that offers a $5 billion rescue package to the CW Television Network in an effort to salvage the advertiser-friendly, incrreasingly vulnerable female 18-34 demographic.
The action, announced by the Federal Reserve and America’s Next Top Model host Tyra Banks, was taken as Geithner faces growing criticism [...]
