Area Fetus Given Pink Slip Amidst Nation’s Economic Woes »
WEST COVINA, CA – According to sources, a fifteen-week old fetus was laid off earlier today today, yet another victim of the ongoing economic downturn.
The fetus was notified by its manager, local teen Lauren Correo, that it would need to pack its things and vacate the uterus by 5:00 PM.
The 17 year-old high school junior [...]
Obama Administration Challenges Coast Guard’s Use of Motorboating As Interrogation Technique »
WASHINGTON – According to White House sources, the Obama Administration has opened an investigation to question whether the Coast Guard’s recent use of motorboating as a method of interrogation should be classified as torture.
The highly provocative technique, which was approved along with a host of alternative procedures in 2002 by then National Security Adviser Condoleeza [...]
REPORT: Biden Catches Train Home to Delaware Every Time He Has to Take A Dump »
WILMINGTON, DE – Less than six months into living in the nation’s capital, Vice President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that he has been taking the train all the way from Washington to DC to Wilmington every time he has to make a bowel movement.
“I don’t know, maybe it’s because my heart and values are so [...]
Either Plunging, Pink V-Necks All the Rage for Guys or Area Man Still in Women’s Section of H&M »
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Nearly ten minutes after entering the Union Square H&M store, local resident Steve Haikara expressed bafflement as to whether he had successfully located the men’s section of the clothing retailer. “I thought I’d found it in this corner upstairs, but then the jeans I picked up had glitter on the back [...]
Popular Cash-For-Clunkers Program Extended to Nation’s Wives, Girlfriends »
WASHINGTON — In an effort to provide relief to millions of men stuck in loveless, lackluster relationships, the Senate voted Monday to extend the popular Cash-For-Clunkers program to the nation’s fleet of deteriorating wives and girlfriends.
The bill, expected to be signed into law by President Obama later this week, pays long-suffering husbands and boyfriends up [...]
Provocative Toddler Could Be Local Preschool’s Answer to Lady Gaga »
GRAND RAPIDS, MI — On the playground after a busy morning of learning about shapes and napping, local preschoolers angled to catch a glimpse of classmate Ashley Sherrill. The four year-old, donning fingerless leather gloves, purple eyeliner, and a metal-studded denim jacket, chatted excitedly about her afternoon snack, Pringles, and her bold decision to boycott [...]
Former President George W. Bush Brokers Reconciliation of Jon & Kate Gosselin »
DALLAS, TX – In what some are calling a “game changer” for the TLC network, former President George W. Bush brought Jon and Kate Gosselin together again Wednesday, following rare talks with the estranged couple who filed for divorce in June.
The reconciliation marks an incredible turnaround for the former stars of Jon & Kate Plus [...]
National Weather Service Issues Flash Crosby, Stills & Nash Warning »
FARGO, ND – The National Weather Service issued a flash Crosby Stills & Nash warning on Friday after it was discovered that the aging rock band was looming over metropolitan Fargo for an impromptu show at the local amphitheater.
The warning, which spanned three counties, immediately drove thousands of residents to get into their cars and evacuate [...]
Sotomayor Confirmation Inspires Burger King Worker To Assemble Sandwich More Efficiently »
LAREDO, TX — Burger King worker Monica Gutierrez reported feeling particularly inspired while assembling a Whopper Junior sandwich Friday after the confirmation of Sonia Sotomayor as the U.S. Supreme Court’s first Hispanic justice. “Usually I just mindlessly grab a fistful of lettuce, a tomato sliver and some onions without even looking at the ticket,” said [...]
David Plouffe: As You May Already Know, Michelle Obama Has A Yeast Infection »
From: David Plouffe, BarackObama.com
Subject: As You May Already Know….
To: Josh Kossack
Joe Biden Launches Line Of Homemade Salad Dressings To Fund Rival Stimulus Plan »
WASHINGTON –Vice President Joe Biden announced today that he will bottle and sell a homemade, all-natural salad dressing to raise money for a hefty stimulus plan of his own to rival the $787 billion package signed into law by President Obama last month.
“Biden’s Own” will donate all profits and royalties after taxes to an ambitious [...]
League of Women Voters Faces Harsh Dilemma: Get Fuckable Or Risk Dying Out »
WASHINGTON — The League of Women Voters, a champion of social reforms and voting rights since 1920, announced Monday that it has experienced such a sharp drop in membership recently that it’s certain to become extinct in the next decade.
While a portion of the decline can be attributed to the ever-shrinking equality gap, the losses [...]
Child Left Alone In Car Found Fluent In Spanish »
PORTLAND — A four year-old boy was found fluent in Spanish Monday evening after being left in the back of a car for seven hours, according to sources. Police estimate that the boy had mastered adjective agreements, noun genders, and conjugation of the verbs trabajar, hablar, and aprender by the end of his second hour [...]
Obama Taps Wayans Brothers to Head ‘Don’t Be a Menace’ Task Force »
WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama today announced a new White House task force on the problems of being a menace to South Central while drinking one’s juice in the hood, installing Shawn and Marlon Wayans as its co-chairmen.
“With this task force, the president gives hope to kids who grew up in the projects like us,” [...]
Cash-Strapped HMO To Infect Otherwise Healthy Patients With Cholera, Tuberculosis »
OAKLAND, CA – Financially-plagued health care provider Kaiser Permanente announced an ambitious plan this week to infect otherwise healthy patients with vaccine-resistance strains of cholera and tuberculosis, diseases that have all but vanished from the landscape in the last century.
After reporting a net loss of $794 million in 2008 – a multi-billion dollar swing from [...]
Bed Bath & Beyond Coupon Stimulus Package Approved By Congress »
WASHINGTON—In a bid to jumpstart the ailing economy and boost sales at the nation’s top domestics and home furnishings superstore, Congress voted Monday to send Bed Bath & Beyond coupons to over 130 million American families this month.
The 20-percent off vouchers, which may be used at more than 880 Bed Bath & Beyond stores nationwide, can [...]
Area Woman Blows Mild Sexual Harassment Out of Proportion to Liven Up Diary »
FRANKLIN, MI —Local Allstate Insurance receptionist Andrea Fleener, 31, told reporters today that a recent diary entry “greatly exaggerated” a lingering glance from one of her co-workers earlier this week. The single, never-married receptionist admitted that a lack of dramatic events in her life coupled with a recent viewing of the 1994 film Disclosure on TNT led to [...]
U.S. Government Bails Out CW Network in Last-Ditch Effort to Salvage Something »
WASHINGTON— Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced Wednesday a sweeping plan that offers a $5 billion rescue package to the CW Television Network in an effort to salvage the advertiser-friendly, incrreasingly vulnerable female 18-34 demographic.
The action, announced by the Federal Reserve and America’s Next Top Model host Tyra Banks, was taken as Geithner faces growing criticism [...]
