Mel Gibson, Wife File for Divorce, Citing Irreconcilable Views on How Best to Wipe the Jews off the Face of the Planet »
LOS ANGELES — After 28 years of marriage, Mel Gibson and his wife Robyn filed for divorce last week, citing irreconcilable views on how best to rid the Earth of its remaining 13.1 million individuals of Jewish descent.
According to the petition, joint custody was requested of the couple’s swastikas, ten year-old son Tom, and other [...]
Joe Biden Launches Line Of Homemade Salad Dressings To Fund Rival Stimulus Plan »
WASHINGTON –Vice President Joe Biden announced today that he will bottle and sell a homemade, all-natural salad dressing to raise money for a hefty stimulus plan of his own to rival the $787 billion package signed into law by President Obama last month.
“Biden’s Own” will donate all profits and royalties after taxes to an ambitious [...]
Deal Keeps Friday Night Lights Alive in Area Man’s Living Room »
LAKEWOOD, CO — Critically acclaimed football-centric drama Friday Night Lights may have been given a pink slip by NBC and DirecTV, but the show will live on for two seasons of 13 episodes each in local carpenter Aaron Behr’s Lakewood, Colorado home, media sources reported Thursday.
Behr, a loyal and vocal longtime fan of the series, lobbied [...]
Capitol Hill to The Hills: Supreme Court Rules Lauren Must Attend Speidi’s Wedding »
WASHINGTON – In a landmark decision Thursday, the U.S. Supreme Court issued an emergency ruling that ordered Lauren Conrad, star of the MTV series The Hills, must attend co-star Heidi Montag’s Pasadena wedding.
In the 7-2 vote, the nation’s highest court refused to let Conrad skip the Pratt-Montag nuptials, arguing that America deserves to see either [...]
Kashi Introduces New Breakfast Cereal Made of Twigs & Branches »
LA JOLLA, CA – Kashi, the nation’s leading manufacturer of whole grain breakfast products, held a press conference Monday to unveil its newest cereal, Kashi ® Forest Debris, which the company touted as having “that all natural, mouth-watering taste of crispitty, crunchetty leaves, twigs and branches.”
“We have combed forests all over the world to find only [...]
League of Women Voters Faces Harsh Dilemma: Get Fuckable Or Risk Dying Out »
WASHINGTON — The League of Women Voters, a champion of social reforms and voting rights since 1920, announced Monday that it has experienced such a sharp drop in membership recently that it’s certain to become extinct in the next decade.
While a portion of the decline can be attributed to the ever-shrinking equality gap, the losses [...]
Child Left Alone In Car Found Fluent In Spanish »
PORTLAND — A four year-old boy was found fluent in Spanish Monday evening after being left in the back of a car for seven hours, according to sources. Police estimate that the boy had mastered adjective agreements, noun genders, and conjugation of the verbs trabajar, hablar, and aprender by the end of his second hour [...]
Hocus Focus Molester Can Find At Least Six Differences Between Timmy’s Privates »
Obama Taps Wayans Brothers to Head ‘Don’t Be a Menace’ Task Force »
WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama today announced a new White House task force on the problems of being a menace to South Central while drinking one’s juice in the hood, installing Shawn and Marlon Wayans as its co-chairmen.
“With this task force, the president gives hope to kids who grew up in the projects like us,” [...]
Cash-Strapped HMO To Infect Otherwise Healthy Patients With Cholera, Tuberculosis »
OAKLAND, CA – Financially-plagued health care provider Kaiser Permanente announced an ambitious plan this week to infect otherwise healthy patients with vaccine-resistance strains of cholera and tuberculosis, diseases that have all but vanished from the landscape in the last century.
After reporting a net loss of $794 million in 2008 – a multi-billion dollar swing from [...]
Bed Bath & Beyond Coupon Stimulus Package Approved By Congress »
WASHINGTON—In a bid to jumpstart the ailing economy and boost sales at the nation’s top domestics and home furnishings superstore, Congress voted Monday to send Bed Bath & Beyond coupons to over 130 million American families this month.
The 20-percent off vouchers, which may be used at more than 880 Bed Bath & Beyond stores nationwide, can [...]
