A-Rod: The Only Performance-Enhancing Drug I’ve Ever Taken Is ExtenZe™ »
TAMPA, FL – NY Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez presented new details yesterday about testing positive for drugs in 2003, saying his cousin injected him repeatedly with the over-the-counter, all-natural male enhancement product ExtenZe.
Facing the media for the first time since admitting the use of performance-enhancers, Rodriguez appeared nervous and emotional as he discussed taking the [...]
Nintendo Stimulates Gamers With Highly Anticipated Wii Clit »
TOKYO – At a press conference Monday, Nintendo unveiled the highly anticipated Wii Clit, a revolutionary new accessory for the market-leading console that demonstrates how to make a woman orgasm. A specially designed remote employs motion sensor technology to capture each poke, caress, and thrust made with its vagina-contoured control pad.
“Our main premise in designing [...]
Area Fetus Given Pink Slip Amidst Nation’s Economic Woes »
WEST COVINA, CA – According to sources, a fifteen-week old fetus was laid off earlier today today, yet another victim of the ongoing economic downturn.
The fetus was notified by its manager, local teen Lauren Correo, that it would need to pack its things and vacate the uterus by 5:00 PM.
The 17 year-old high school junior [...]
Obama Administration Challenges Coast Guard’s Use of Motorboating As Interrogation Technique »
WASHINGTON – According to White House sources, the Obama Administration has opened an investigation to question whether the Coast Guard’s recent use of motorboating as a method of interrogation should be classified as torture.
The highly provocative technique, which was approved along with a host of alternative procedures in 2002 by then National Security Adviser Condoleeza [...]
Procter & Gamble Unveils Line Of Downy Syndrome Laundry Products »
CINCINNATI, OH — Procter & Gamble introduced a new line of Downy detergents and fabric softeners on Monday touted to be the first products specifically designed to handle the clothes of children with Down Syndrome.
“It’s hard enough to raise any child these days, let alone one with special needs,” Downy CEO Rick June said during [...]
Miley Cyrus Flashes Vicious, Man-Eating Shark Teeth At TMZ Reporter »
REPORT: Biden Catches Train Home to Delaware Every Time He Has to Take A Dump »
WILMINGTON, DE – Less than six months into living in the nation’s capital, Vice President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that he has been taking the train all the way from Washington to DC to Wilmington every time he has to make a bowel movement.
“I don’t know, maybe it’s because my heart and values are so [...]
Malia & Sasha Obama To Spend Remainder of Semester Living With Mr. Drummond »
WASHINGTON — With an extensive travel schedule this month for United We Serve, the president’s volunteer initiative, First Lady Michelle Obama announced Monday that her daughters would spend the remainder of the spring semester with multi-millionaire widower Phillip Drummond in New York City.
An aide to Mrs. Obama confirmed that Malia, 10, and Sasha, 7, moved [...]
