It’s no surprise that Disney’s Muppet Scabies is being released straight-to-DVD.  The animated feature, while thoroughly entertaining, never quite captures the magic of the original series.  The film cannot decide if its primary purpose is to prevent teens from contracting STDs or if it’s simply a contemporary, oversexed version of the 1984-91 CBS Saturday morning program.

The feature opens  as the babies find Nanny passed out on the nursery floor buck naked.  When Nanny comes to, she realizes she went through an entire eight ball the night before, she hasn’t a clue who came home with her, and she missed Piggy’s piano recital.

Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Rolf and company know this much is true:  Nanny is a dirty, dirty whore.

She also has all the tell-tale signs of an STD:  risky, promiscuous behavior, evidence of heavy itching, particularly in the groin, and a vaginal discharge streaming down her trademark green and white stockings.

The babies don’t know much about venereal diseases but, rest assured, they’re prepared to learn.  Each STD has a cutesy Muppetized name — “Muppet Scabies,” “Kermidia,” “Gonzorrhea,” etc — and elaborate song and dance number to go with it.

Muppet Scabies is available on DVD and Blu-Ray this Tuesday.  B-