OAKLAND, CA – Financially-plagued health care provider Kaiser Permanente announced an ambitious plan this week to infect otherwise healthy patients with vaccine-resistance strains of cholera and tuberculosis, diseases that have all but vanished from the landscape in the last century.

After reporting a net loss of $794 million in 2008 – a multi-billion dollar swing from the previous year — the nation’s largest HMO has run out of ways to trim the fat after streamlining services, several rounds of cost-cutting, and reducing its number of nurses.

The goal is to cause a manageable but still eyebrow-raisingly large epidemic, all which can be treated by Kaiser physicians, facilities and prescriptions.  According to company officials, the increased services will recoup roughly half of its massive losses.

Kaiser plans to roll out its first infectious wave later this month, packaging disease-ridden swatches in the April issue of Redbook, select DVD and Blu Ray copies of Twilight, and specially-marked packages of Snapple.

“Feeling a tingle in the back of your throat?  Ever broken a sweat between the hours of midnight and 8am?  Experiencing fluctuations in energy-level, mood or appetite?  You could have cholera,” warns an upcoming promotional campaign.  “When in doubt, have it checked out.”

“TB and cholera are real cash cows because their victims tend to cough up a considerable amount of blood, and nothing gets people to the ER faster than hacking up loose lung particles,” explained Dr. Robert Pearl, executive director of the Kaiser Permanente Medical Group.

While the HMO has experienced a considerable amount of backlash since its plans were made public, CEO George C. Halvorson insists Kaiser’s mission of providing its patients with the best care and treatment humanly possible has not changed whatsoever.

“What goes around, comes around,” said Havorson.  “If we didn’t take these steps, nature would find a way.  Or the terrorists.  Or Aetna.”

“Frankly, I’m not excited at the prospect of contracting cholera,” Colorado Springs resident and longtime Kaiser subscriber Andrew Colwell told reporters.  “The closest I came to having it was playing [the computer game] Oregon Trail as a child… I remember making an unsuccessful attempt to ford the river and all my oxen died.  It was awful.”

As of press time, Kaiser was pursuing other revenue-producing avenues as well.  The company has reportedly been working with Apple CEO Steve Jobs on a device that lets patients and doctors listen to their favorite songs together via a dual-pronged iStethoscope.